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托福學生寫作批改-媒體類

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媒體類,是托福立寫作的常見話題之一,為了讓考生對托福寫作的知識點有更加真實、豐富的體驗,大伙將以一篇標準在4.5分左右的例文為例,指出其錯誤與不足之處,并且給予修改,幫助大伙避免重蹈覆轍。

題目:

How do movies and television influence people´s behavior? Use specific details to support your answer.

分析:

題目大意,電影與電視怎樣影響人們的行為?用一部分特定的細節與事例來論證你得觀點。這是一道典型的媒體類作文,探討的是電影與電視關于人們所帶來的影響,這能夠是正面也能夠是負面的,兩者結合來論述更顯的客觀真實。

原文(4.5分左右):

Movies and Television have significant influence on people´s behavior. People want to look up to their role models and superstars. Over the years, movies and television have changed the way people dress, act, react, and in the way they speak. In the lines below, reasons and specific details are inhibited to support my answer.

Movies and television have influenced people´s way of dressing. Role models like fashion models, singers, or actors are examples for people´s way of dressing or even hairstyle. For example, many teenagers would dress in jeans like the one´s Britney Spears had, or they would buy a product just because a superstar wear it. Furthermore, if we look to a big example like Marilin Monroe, we find many women dying their hair in blond just because Marilin Monroe was blond and successful.

As to the question how television and movies influence people´s way of acting and reacting, lots of examples could be provided. People tend to follow the life style they see on the scene. We can refer to the "Flower Power", the Hippies in the 70´s. In the 70´s, people have a certain way of and acting due to special acting style on televisions and movies. They would listen to the same music, watch the same subjects and live in the same way. For another instance, romantic movies make us to think more about love so we behave differently, other movies teach us important lessons about life, and then, we intend to be better persons.

Television and movies have a big impact in the way we speak. People take ideas from what their role models say and then imitate them. For example, many youngsters in China have the same accent as Steven Chow has on the scene, a famous comedy actor in Hong Kong. Human beings want to be interesting and famous, so talking like somebody famous could make them enjoy themselves. In all our lives we tend to reach our goals, we want to be someone famous. By looking up to someone famous and borrow some of his/her behavior, some people reach the goals that they have never achieved.

Movie and television form a very powerful means of communication, and they have influenced people´s behavior in various fields. Sometimes it occurs in a positive, sometimes in a negative manner, depending on what we pick up from television and movies and add to our behavior.

修改(6分):

(1) Movies and television have a significant influence on people’s behavior.? (2) We see all kinds of characters emerge on the screen – clever detectives aggressively pushing people to give them clues, gorgeous models gyrating around to sensual music, cruel villains making the innocent suffer, and countless others.? (3) Someone, somewhere, is always ready to imitate these characters and those who play them. (4) Indeed, some actors are hard to distinguish from the people they play.

(5)The most obvious example of the movie and TV’s influence is people’s desire to dress like their idols. (6) As early as the 1950’s, women were dyeing their hair to be blonde like that of the legendary starlet, Marilyn Monroe. (7) Today, young girls want to wear whatever pop star Britney Spears is wearing – be it a pair of fashionably scuffed-up jeans or an alluring navel ring. (8) Men play this game too, donning outrageous outfits like those of their favorite rock bands.

(9)Yet the influence runs deeper, changing accents and patterns of speech.? (10)Many youngsters in China imitate the distinctive Hong Kong accent of comedian Steven Chow. (11) Youth virtually everywhere in the United States are sounding more and more like Californians because so many television shows and films come out of Hollywood. (12) And consumers of media don’t just want to have fashionable accents; they want to carry on whole conversations in the sophisticated, glamorous rhythms of the people they see on the screen. (13) What man has never felt the urge to murder an annoying foe, and, as he does it, to toss off a clever insult like one of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s characters might?

(14)The truth is that movies and television affect their viewers at the deepest level – at the level of worldview, values, and consequent behavior. (15) For instance, numerous sports movies convey the idea that one must set goals and work hard to achieve them. (16) Media can inspire in this way. (17) On the other hand, there are countless sources of entertainment that portray violence as a desirable way to solve problems – or as the most practical solution, at any rate. (18) Ordinary people watch soap operas to escape to a fictional world of fast living and luxury, but they often show their enthusia* by imitating the petty, arrogant, self-absorbed personages in these shows who supposedly represent the wealthy.

(19)Some people will always imitate speech and actions that they see numerous times, even when the speech and actions are downright reprehensible.? (20)Indeed, people from all belief systems have complained that the media are making society more violent, reckless, and uncaring with these portrayals. (21) What we can tell artists to portray or not to portray is for another essay. (22) However, it is undeniable that life imitates art to a great degree.

例文評論:

一、文章結構

本文是疑問分析型。

二、語言運用。

1.句(10)

普通:For example, many youngsters in China have the same accent as Steven Chow has on the scene, a famous comedy actor in Hong Kong.

優秀:Many youngsters in China imitate the distinctive Hong Kong accent of comedian Steven Chow.

評論:后句比前句更符合邏輯乃至文章主題的要求,也更簡潔。這里突出的是imitate這一個

詞,而非have the same accent,要注意依據文章須要選擇適當的動詞。并且 盡量使詞語富有變化性,不要一直用have, get, go這樣的過于概括的詞。

2.、句(13)

優秀:What man has never felt the urge to murder an annoying foe, and, as he does it, to toss off a clever insult like one of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s characters might?

評論:假如你有幾個例子能夠舉的話,通常三個比較易于接受。并且 這三個的句式好富于

變化或用一個句子把它們統一起來。這里,在用了兩個陳述句后,采用了一個反問句,行文更為活潑??勺⒁庠谟靡蓡柧涞臅r候,避免太過于口語化。

三、常見錯誤與誤區

1.原文中的For example, many teenagers would dress in jeans like the one´s Britney Spears had, or they would buy a product just because a superstar wear it.

這一句的首要疑問在于時態。要注意would的用法。Would與would like to 并不是同一個意思也不能夠通用。在這一個句子的would全是would like to 的意思,要么改成后者要么就干脆刪掉。此外,had的用法也不對,改成wears或是worn比較正確。

2.原文中的For another instance, romantic movies make us to think more about love so we behave differently, other movies teach us important lessons about life, and then, we intend to be better persons.

這一句開頭說舉一個例子,可實際上給出了兩個很不詳細的例子。假如舉例的話應注意例子一定要詳細,假如泛泛而談的話,就不能叫例子了。此外,也沒有for another instance這樣的說法。For instance是一個固定詞組,此外舉例能夠是give another example/instance。不要想自然地改變某個固定詞組。

托福寫作考試

2019-08-06 18:37:09

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